It is definitely hard to wrap your mind around relief. It has been such
an illusive goal. I have tried so many quick fixes, herbal remedies,
vitamins, pills, physical therapy,
chiropractic
options and massage. Relief is always out of reach or fleeting. It has
been so long since I have had relief, it is indeed hard to
envision.
So you put up a protective barrier in your mind. It is easier to not
expect it, because for over 10 years I have battled this, and each time a
new diagnosis or new treatment is offered, I get sucked in (or so it
seems) only to find several months later that nothing has changed. In
the beginning I blindly took pills that had promised relief, long after
the realization that they were not working. I was told by family early
on, that the pills caused me to be a zombie, going through the motions
and in a funk, but I didn't see it. The brain fog is always there, but I
guess they saw something else. I was on
Neurontin,
Robaxin
and other pain pills, and though I had no relief, I just kept taking
them. Finally a few years ago, I decide I am only giving the pills a few
months. If there is no difference, then I quit them. The last set was M
ethotrexate, and
Lyrica. I was up to 450
mgs on
Lyrica and there was nothing...might as well have been a sugar pill.
Methotrexate scared me, but I was willing. After 3 months the
Rheumatologist
told me to quit. He then suggested physical therapy, again. I finally
had hit rock bottom when my mom brought this Antibiotic Protocol to my
attention. I am lucky that my family doctor listened, and read the
protocol and was willing to try it.
So, I have had a bumpy two months. I definitely had an increase in pain, fatigue and am positive I am in a
Herx
reaction. The depression and mood swings I was unprepared for, but have
since read is normal. I still am in pain. Yet, today feels different.
It
is scary. I hate to say " I feel better," because I don't even want to
let myself believe in something, only to fail. I want my life back. So
much so that I am scared to hope for it. Yet today, despite fighting
with
my mother and feeling moody, I suddenly noticed my body isn't as stiff,
my mind isn't as numb, and it scared me. Silly, I know. I am scared to
feel good? I am scared I will "mind over matter" myself into a false
belief of healing. However, that isn't my style. Ms. Negative Nancy,
Eeyore to some, is not likely to think she feels better, unless she
does....right? Oh, how I hope I am on my way! This is the closest I
recall coming to being hopeful, truly hopeful. I will sing from the roof
tops if this works. Stay tuned. Dare I say there is hope?
